Top 10 Things to do at the Mall
1.) At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
2.) At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
3.) Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
4.)Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
5.) Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
6.) At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
7.) Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
8.) Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
9.) Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
10.) Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
1.) Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2.) I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3.) Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4.) I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5.) I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6.) Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7.) I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8.) Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9.) Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10.) Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...
1.) Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
2.) Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
3.) He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
4.) Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
5.) Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
6.) For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
7.)That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
8.) You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
9.) Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
10.) Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1.) Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2.) Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3.) "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4.) To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5.) You want to see if it's like the dream.
6.) So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7.) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8.) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9.) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10.) No one steals your chair.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR...
1.) Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
2.) After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
3.) The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4.) In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5.) He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
6.) Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
7.) The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
8.) During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"
9.) The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
10.) Lipstick on the mouse.
Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
1.) You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
2.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8.) All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
9.) And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10.) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
1.) Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
2.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3.) "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
4.) Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
7.) Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
9.) There go the lights again?
10.) "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person
1.) A few crumbs short of a crouton.
2.) A few clowns short of a circus.
3.) A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
4.) An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
5.) A few beers short of a six-pack.
6.) A few peas short of a casserole.
7.) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
8.) One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
9.) One taco short of a combination plate.
10.) A few feathers short of a whole duck
Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor
1.) "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."
2.) "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."
3.) "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."
4.) "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."
5.) "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"
6.) "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."
7.) "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
8.) "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"
9.) "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."
10.) Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."
Top 10 Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline
1.) "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"
2.) "Do you make one for rain?"
3.) "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"
4.) "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"
5.) "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?"
6.) "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"
7.) "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"
8.) "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"
9.) "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?"
10.) "Can I blow myself?"
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